Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
