i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
These tits shall not be calmed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
