thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
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my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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