she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
