Ambien. No doubt about it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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