So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
