my phone needs a breathalizer
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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