TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
