I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
