Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Found your dick twin last night
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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