WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
