Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
