i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
