and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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