her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
