woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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