i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
