aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
