My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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