No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
