i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
