So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
