Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
