He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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