So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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