I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
