happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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