i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
