Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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