Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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