Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
