He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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