I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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