God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She has the best kind of daddy issues
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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