Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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