My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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