Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
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We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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