Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
