I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
