Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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