I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Less talking, more tequila
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
