Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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