cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just high enough for therapy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
