Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
should my penis look like a turkey
This is the high leading the old right now
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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