I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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