after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
