I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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