I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
