I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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