dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying