One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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