when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sex while Star Warsing is the best