I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
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I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
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View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.