someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids