I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
