Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.