I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
