I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
