true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
