i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's shark week go big or go home
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
