Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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